Please feel free to patronize, ridicule or join me in the search for genuine authenticity in what is hopefully developing into a truly transparent walk.
The trip home was odd enough. Baton Rouge was bare compared to the log jam that met us Wednesday afternoon. For all intensive purposes it was 11/26/05, but through the wonder that is xm radio we tripped through the last 3 weeks of January 1948. In a move that Amy approved of by sweet sleep preceded by a 'you've got to be kidding me...you guys are killing me' we tuned to channel #164 that plays old timey radio broadcasts. They were playing a re-broadcast of Superman from '48 that covered 14 episodes & the rest of our trip home after we ate in Covington. Cam was stoked @ 1st, but I thought that his interest would wane soon being such a primitive form of entertainment from yesteryear. After we got home & he asked if we could finish off the series by listening to it in the driveway before we went in, I came to the conclusion that I was wrong. The thing that intrigued me the most were the commercials. They were nothing like you'd expect from modern day promo spots during a kid-type program. They never promoted the next big Superman this or that, so that the kids would get hyped & beg their parents to death for whatever it was that they were trying to sell. The ideals of the day were nothing like today. The weren't even close. They were much grander & bigger than I could have even imagined. There were PSA's that tried to sell the kids on things that were much bigger & grander than they were themselves...even bigger & grander than the man of steel himself. They pushed kids to consider the less fortunate of the world that were still struggling w/being displaced from a very tragic world war. They preached to kids the importance of health, tolerance, clean clothes & a clean mind. They played to the benevolence of their listeners to stamp out infantile paralysis, which would become better known as polio. Superman himself made cameo appearances on the spots & urged the kids to be good stewards w/what they had & to be considerate of their parents as they had to deal w/the rising cost of living. I had to remind myself that I was still on earth & listening to a program almost 60 years old, rather than visisting another dimension. Child stars of the day also made guests spots to help kids to think of something bigger & grander than themselves or even Superman. At 1 point I turned to Cam &asked him what Superman expected of him, just to see if he was getting all of this. He replied, yeah dad, I get it...Superman says it's important to have a clean body & mind...duh! He didn't really say the duh part, but his tone let me know that he meant it. From here it'd be easy for me to yap about how terrible the world is & how much better & more moral it all was back in '48 & for a while that's where I thought that this would head, but not now. Now I sit & wonder how commercialized everything is, including the world's perception of christianity. Just like the modern day cartoon that uses it's ad time to sell the latest action figure or video game, we've attempted to sell Jesus on t-shirts, bumper stickers, candy, whatever. It's like God left us to mind the shop that was originally founded on the bigger & grander ideas of redemption & restoration through faith in the Father by coming into a love relationship w/the Son & we've instead cheapened it all by trying to copy the world's toys to sell. I'm afraid that we've lost our 1st love & even have a t-shirt for that too. We're lost in who we are to be because we've lost sight of the One we are to be, or more importantly, the Way we are to be. I wonder if Jesus had a old timey radio series done on His adventures if He would do PSA's pointing those that would listen to an ideal beyond & bigger than the life that he led, much akin to the ideal beyond & bigger than the life that Superman led. Sure, Jesus' life was perfectly beautiful real & is to be studied, but if all we get are examples w/out implication for our lives today, what good is it? If all we get from faith is religion what good is that? If my faith is so small that it can be summarized on a religious t-shirt, bumper sticker or book, what good is it? If I'm not cognizant of my every breath being a gift & that I'm privy to the presence of God on a constant basis, what good am I...? superlame...
The Jones have left us behind. I've never been happier to see them go. What a relief it is to know that we don't have to follow, keep up or try to stay ahead of that crowd.
Sure, the reasons make plausible sense from time to time, but that's just because of our unlimited capacity for reasoning & justification. We argue the point in our own minds that just about anything can & does become God's will or the right thing to do in our lives. Wrong becomes right, up becomes down & left becomes right...or is that wrong...when we attempt to make our frivolous wrongs right.
I don't mean to over dramatize things, but yesterday was a lesson in simplicity & being @ ease stepping out of the race w/the Jones. We tripped back to La. for thanksgiving w/the folks & family w/what turned out to be a 8hr journey on our hands. This was the 1st trip w/Lani, so our seating arrangements have changed somewhat since we last went anywhere.
Cam & Cassi (6 & 4) now ride up front w/me & Aly & Lani (2 & 2mo) ride in the back w/Amy. This new configuration left me wondering if I should get the extra monitor for the dvd player so the kids could watch movies on the go or not. I chose not & ended up having a great trip.
Rather than the kids, w/the latest & greatest in tech being able to zone out & not even realize that their parents were there on the journey w/them, we spent the whole time talking, singing, playing air instruments & exchanging wet willies. We had a blast regardless of the unbelievable traffic through Baton Rouge & the rest of SE La. Cam sat close enough for me to put 'em in a head lock & give 'em a few nuggies, which I did...often. I could easily tickle Cassi's ear w/my finger & goose her left shoulder, which I did...often. I could even reach behind me & tickle Aly from time to time, which I did...often.
By the time our destination drew near my conversations w/Cam consisted of the following:
Cam: Band?
Me: Fall Out Boy
Cam: Song?
Me: Sugar We're Goin' Down
Looking back on this Thanksgiving morn, I wouldn't trade those 8hrs for anything in this world. Sure, all the new tech & gadgets have a place, but it often seems that they're used to separate rather than to do anything else. Or they become the latest wares to brag to our Jones about to show that we're hip, keeping up or setting the curve.
If we all could just step back for a moment we would realize that we ride w/our Heavenly Father much akin to the way that Cam, Cassi, Aly & Lani rode with theirs yesterday. Are we focused on the interaction that is readily available to each & every one of us on this journey, or are we glued to the dvd, gameboy, ipod, whatever, that's in front of us that's only there to distract & separate? Put the tech down & let Dad give you a big ol' wet willie...it's a trip.
I've now got a audiovox portable dvd player for sale...
Bloggers blog about it. Authors write about it. TV preachers will try to sell you on it. Saints embrace it. Sinners ignore it. Hypocrites manipulate it.
So much has been said & done, but we still haven't even begun to understand it. It's bigger than the air that we breath & is in the smallest of things. It contains a strength beyond measure, yet is often served up as to transcend our understanding of power.
It's an idea & so much more. It's seen in actions & sometimes it's essence is captured in words. It transforms & transfigures, but never conforms save for our own limited & tainted perceptions.
It drives 1 to their knees & lifts another by the very soul. It allows us to steer, yet remains in total control. It's contradiction only to our very limited realization & comfort beyond our ability to reason.
It is not an it at all. It's I AM & still I don't understand. My greatest gift is to know that I don't.
I AM is in the cool of the shadow & the warmth of a sun ray. I AM lies @ the bottom of the pit of my depression & sits upon the summit of my rocketing joy. I AM accepts me just as I am, but doesn't ever leave me that way.
I AM delights in tradition & loves innovation. I AM blesses the skeptic & allows the saint to despair. I AM allows me to think that I've got it all figured out, then still hangs out for when I realize that I don't.
I rejoice in the fact that I AM is unbelievable. I'm finally @ peace w/I AM being uncontrollable. I'm ok w/I AM ruining the life that I attempted to make.
I AM blurs my vision & clouds my mind when I try to comprehend. I AM doesn't need me to defend...or for that matter offend. I AM doesn't look anything like me, but I long to look more & more like I AM.
I've really been diggin' the new Demon Hunter of late. It gets me pumped, challenges me & stirs the long muted chords attached to heart strings that I forget that I've got from time to time. The music comes across as conflicted to me, mixing beautiful melodies w/tortured screams of angst which is perfect, because I'm conflicted. I possess strength to love in copious amounts 1 day, then find myself the most bitter, short-tempered jerk on the face of the planet.
Although I'm not the man that I was 2 years ago, I'm still in need of vast improvement. There's a great deal of hope & optimism for the days that lay ahead & that seems to be the only thing that gets me out of bed sometimes. I still trip from time to time & want to pull the covers over my head in hopes of the world forgetting that I exist & maybe, just maybe I'll disappear.
Regardless of my mood of late, I've found in the last lines of The Triptych's The Tide Began to Risewords that sum up my reason for being. It's kinda of an all or none statement that puts everything on the line & quickens my spirit every time I hear it. Welcome to my new world...
So I remember on the inside If this is all the love my spirit can give Just take it back tonight There is not a reason more to live
I had a conversation w/a friend of a pastor of a mega-church the other day. You know the gig. Shepherding the flock Hollywood style w/all the indulgences to boot, 'cause of a culture created to nurture the feel of entitlement due to success. This of course is never audibly mentioned, but remains the mind set none the less.
I guess that I can deal w/this status quo of celebrity pastor, 'cause that's not the thing that really bothers me. The thing that gets me is that this pastor lives a life of duality. There's the pastor persona that fills the pulpit regularly & makes appearances for the sake of the flock, but behind the curtain of this Oz there's a different man. The real man. The man of simplicity & grace that would as readily enjoy a cold 1 & a ballgame w/you as he would the breaking of bread.
This man behind the curtain is not the dark-sided companion of the popular pastor persona that lives to sin & sins to live, but rather is the genuine article beneath the shiny veneer. He may tend to use language that his parishioners would find offensive so he reserves it for the comfort of this haven behind the scenes. He understands the gospel & articulates it well w/words, he unfortunately feels that living it would shatter the image of the polished pastor persona, being too much for some to handle & quite possibly doing permanent damage to the faith of others.
I can't help but feel quite the opposite.
There's a flip side to this coin & that's those that would begin their quest outside the walls of tradition in search of the authenticity that gets lost amidst the hurriedly desperate crusades for holiness. Although the root of this lies in the same dirt as the traditional in regards to intent, something also gets lost along the way & the search no longer is about the quest to be in, but rather to be un. Success is now measured in how unlike we become like so & so, or how untraditional or unconventional we can be.
Again, this leaves those traveling this path empty & hungry for what was left in the dirt of original intent. Our 1st love becomes lost once again, although we took an oath that that wouldn't become what we now see fully reflected in the mirror that we gaze. Obviously having split personalities dependent upon the company that we keep isn't the answer & being the un-anything isn't the answer either. So now what?
How 'bout if we tried to live a life that's main focus isn't being 1 personal in the public arena & another in the private or un-this or un-that. What if we instead chose the in-way. A life that is inclusive, incomprehensible & incredible because it is totally incarnate. A life that's focus isn't to impress God, because it is God by being lived totally inside the ideal of who He is by who He sent.
20Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
I don't just think that this is a good idea. I think that this is a command & is what's expected. I don't have the energy to be Public Lee & Private Lee or untraditional Lee & unconventional Lee. God has got to be most glorified in me when I'm most satisfied in Him. There's only 1 way that I know for this to happen & that's to be in touch w/the me that he created & designed for me to be before the foundation of the world was laid. To be incarnate.
Incarnation was not just a 1 time event that happened 2k years ago. It was meant to happen continually as we walk w/Him & transfigure bit by bit into His likeness, becoming more like Him. Incarnation is freedom. Freedom from public personas & private indulgences as well as the un.
So why don't we? Truth is we're scared. We're scared of change, what people will think, what the world will say or whatever. Most importantly & saddest of all we're scared to take God @ His word.
I pray that you're tired of a life of baseless public abstinence or private indulgence or being the un. I would pray that you would listen to that still small voice begging to ask the question. "Are you ready to be in?"
Dare to be in. Slip on the skin of the Glorious One & allow Him to envelope your life. It's the only way for it to become worth living.
Don't know if you caught this or have heard anything about the aftermath, but it was nothing short of a trainwreck. Fox's Trading Spouses show usually features women that are from completely different ends of the spectrum & are forced to swap environments, homes, families, etc. for a week. The payoff is $50k & usually serves as a good eye-opener for those entering in w/an open mind to learn from the experience.
The past swap just so happened to be a 2-parter that featured a swap between a 'christian' lady from south louisiana & a hypnotherapist from maine. It's garnered a lot of yap on the old fox message boards as well as around the water cooler. Margaret really does a # on our faith as she professes plenty & shows little of the love of Christ.
I didn't post about this after 1st seeing it because I figured why bother? Then I began to wonder if therein lies the problem. I feel bad that I've become so accustomed to this now sadly comical view of what most think of christianity. Instead of being pissed, I just kinda shrug my shoulders as if this is typical & to be expected. Maybe it is, but is it to be tolerated? & if not, what are we to do about it?
No answers here today, just despair for what should be beautifully, glorious & the envy of the eyes of the world rather than the disdain. I'd love to say that I'm much better due to the flocks that gather round my house in hopes of the blessings of majesty to roll out my door & onto any 1 particular person, but they're not there. I guess all that I can really say with much assurance is that I'm better than yesterday & I'll guess that that'll have to do...
Maybe instead of wives that it is that we are to swap or make a tv show about, we jettison this wrong-headed idea of our pitiful selves bringing anything of worth or on our own merit are able to advance the wonderfully amazing story of grace, forgiveness & redemption 1 iota. To fully embrace the idea of this amazing story only brings on more wonder when we realize that it's telling is trusted to these very temporal jars of clay, when He could've chosen anything in His universe. That's a thought that a million Margaret's or Lee's will never diminish.
Just got through skimming through the latest in Relevant magazine. I don't know if you've seen it or not, but I think you might want to pick it up. What grabbed me was the article entitled 'Christians at a Porn Show.'
The article is a collection of thoughts from volunteers that belong to xxxchurch as they attended Erotica LA 2005. There was a time & place that the mere thought of this would've forced me to speak to the degradation of God's church & how far we've slidden, but this is not that time nor place. Matter of fact, the presence of these guys in such a place as unlikely inspires me. The picture of Craig & Mike w/Ron Jeremy still brings a smile to my face.
Check out JR's top 10 Porn Show Moments:
1. Sonny, the 25-year-old former professional skater now porn star, who told me, "All I want is fame, money...and God is OK with how I'm doing it."
2. James, a paraplegic, who said, "If you want to help me, don't pray for me, give me money so I can buy a prostitute to touch me...no one will touch me."
3. The hundreds of people who told me "I can't get enough porn."
4. The guy who just got out of rehab for booze and was filling his bag with porn until he came to our booth. We talked and prayed; I'm pretty sure I ruined his porn show.
5. The guy who told me he's so addicted to porn he has no friends.
6. Donna, who works for the LA Convention Center, who thanks God she is no longer in the porn business.
7. Craig and Mike's push to see healing and recovery in the name of Christ.
8. The 213 people who took the Wally Porn-Free Challenge.
9. The young porn producer who admitted his industry is destroying people, after he told me XXXchurch is stupid.
10. My walk back to the hotel on Saturday night...I took an eight-block look at my life given the days' events. I felt remorse, joy disappointment, sorrow and peace. God wants us in the trenches. I will no longer be comfortable sitting in a pew, and if you don't get that...you're probably a critic.
I think we need more folks that are no longer comfortable sitting in a pew...
I guess ol' Billy boy had it right all along when he said that the question was 'to be or not to be.' Those words have resonated in some places deep inside me today as I've thought about why people do the things that they do or why they don't do the things that they don't. It seems that they do or don't do whatever from a place that is either driven to be true & authentic to the nature instilled in them by the Almighty or is motivated to find solace in just being opposite that that they want most to be unlike.
I guess that the point is to be true to self at any & all cost & everything will have a way of finding a home in authenticity. If we don't learn this soon, we end up looking like or projecting something that is not necessarily us, but what we want others to see us as. The rebel or the renegade or whatever flavor of the weak becomes our masks as we look romantically to an ideal & think that we can capture it if we only wrap ourselves in the accompanying paraphernalia. I look @ myself & see a plain white-bread cat w/no tats, piercings or whatever. It's not because I don't identify w/the feeling of wanting to take on the establishment & express my complete disdain for all that it's come to stand for, it's just that I realize now that it would be completely out of my character to do so. This hasn't stopped me from growing the occasional soulpatch or shaving my head a time or two, so I can't brag too much on my most glorious insights. It's just that I see a lot & read a lot about contemporary, po-mo, mo, emerging, organic, hipster, cool, relevant, charismatic, spirit-filled, house, cyber or whatever type of churchs that integrate a lot of elements in the desire to reach people & that's great...but, @ what cost? Sometimes it just comes across as trying too hard to be something that it's not, which leads to all the authenticity of a street corner screaming, sign holder protesting, bible-thumping kjver w/an ounce of Christ's love in his/her heart. The intent started innocent enough, the final version however got lost in transit. How much more effective could we all be in ministry if we chose 'to be' rather than 'not to be'? 'To be' exactly what God intended & wired us to be rather than 'not to be' what we see as wrong w/the church, christianity, spirituality or whatever. Choosing 'to be' whatever Christ has us to be rather than worrying if that's cool or relevant or hip. Truth be known, when we choose to truly 'be', we may never be cool or hip, but we will always be relevant. I've had to come to grips w/what it means for me 'to be' lately as those close to me & those that think that they are have called me into question as to my call in this existence. In 1 sense this saddens me, but in another it lets me know that I'm being obedient above all else. I still listen to every word that comes my way, I just know that I've got to measure it up against the call 'to be' that's on my life.
So don't try too hard. Get real. Choose 'to be' rather than 'not to be'. That's the only way that you'll ever be capable of being used. Wear your hip shirts & jeans, grow that tired gottee & spike your hair, jamming out to all the Chris Tomlin that you can find...but only if that is what you are called 'to be'...
I don't know about you, but I've just got to believe that God pulls the clouds back, leans in & gets a big laugh @ my expense from time to time. He does so only to keep from crying when I have to be confronted w/His truth time & time again. The whole process seems akin to teaching long division to a pre-schooler, yet He continues to allow me to plod along.
Now that's what I call long suffering.
He speaks in ways that are often times more apparent than the audible voice & transcend time & space. Complete darkness flees my way during these times as He chooses to apply the dirt laden spittle to my eyes. I tend to squint a lot @ 1st, but am always thankful for the process, however humbling it is.
After today, I'm left wiping my eyes while I type, ever thankful once again that He continues to lead. The mode this day was in the form of a conversation w/my 2nd oldest. My very words to her may have been the 1st heard by my own ears, but that were 1st spoken into my heart sometime before. I only came to realize this today.
Daddy, I want to go for a bike ride after school. O-kay baby, that'll be fun. After the passage of some uncertain amount of time...
Daddy, I want to go for a bike ride after school. I know that baby, you've already told me that once & unlike you & your brother, Daddy doesn't have to be told more than once. Yet another passage of some uncertain amount of time, but not quite the appointed time to hit the bike...
Daddy, I want to go for a bike ride. No P! Now go to your room! We were going to go for a ride, but your continual asking especially after I've told you that we would has proven that you're not listening to me & deserving to go... It's @ this point that I thank God that I'm not Him or that He's not me or whatever...
But this only begs to ask the question how I've pushed Him to what would look like a very human response in reaction to a very childish & not to mention annoying petitioning. How many times has He shaken His mighty head going
Lee, Lee, Lee...get outa my face w/your constant whining & asking of the same mundanely elemental things that I've already said that I'd do? Got to your room... Well, I've been to my room & I still scratch my head knowing that I've be shown the Hand of Providence today through the conversation w/my child. I've been taught from the Master & as much as I cherish the lesson, I relish the thought that I know it'll be lost on me in the near future. As always I'll learn from this particular peak in the ride only to forget it's truth in the valley laying in wait behind the next turn.
I was shocked more in 1 hr last night, than I've been in quite some time. I don't know if you caught it, but if you happened to see Dateline last night you'll know what I'm talking about. I'm still in awe & am trying to sort through all the emotions now. The show was about sexual predators & their use of internet chat rooms to lure kids into rendezvous for sex. I still can't believe what I, & especially who I saw as the Dateline folks set up a sting operation to see just how many of these perverts would show up. In the span of 3 days, 15 showed up. It wasn't just your run-of-the mill scum either, the group included a rabbi, a special ed teacher & a er doctor.
My initial response was 1 that included a great deal of violence. Hey, let's just forget about that whole sea part & bash these bastards head's in w/the freakin' millstone. Right?
While I in no way whatsoever do I condone the actions of these 'men', I still wonder at the spectacle. I also wondered & continue to do so if I'm the only 1? Did anybody else notice?
The ads that ran during this show were laced w/innuendo & flat-out sexual references to promote particular products. I remember 1 in particular that cues a woman reaching ecstasy & using word play to suggest anything but what the commercial was about...a jacket. How ironic.
We're all set to decimate the scum before us that would prey on children, all the while we get our arousal fix for 2 minutes & 2 seconds at a time. Talk about your mixed messages. Could we possibly be this blind?
I shudder to think that the answer is yes.
Before you get all nuts on me, please consider this. I don't know the answers or claim to have it all figured out, I'm just raising some questions that should be considered. Neither am I saying that all computers should be thrown out the window along w/our tv's, but I can't help but wonder where the line should be drawn. Where should personal responsibility begin and the cultural 1 end?
Are we always going to be doomed to down play our own depravities by exposing those of a worse nature? Are we always going to be doomed to missing the point? Where does grace fall on those that are apparently so sick that they act out in ways that seem to demand our own brand of condemnation w/no hope of salvation?
As my anger turns to sorrow, I'm left to ponder. Is God's grief greater for the predator on the screen or the 1 watching it? I can only begin to wonder at the enormity.
I remember well the night @ church where similar reasoning was expressed. In reference to homosexuals, people started batting around terms like 'alternative lifestyle' as if their's wasn't. Point was & is & forever will be that any lifestyle contrary to the teachings of Jesus & His will are 'alternative' in nature.
Oh that we would 1 day awaken from our religious induced coma. When that day comes, all will explode w/a passion of the likes that none have seen before save for 2k years ago. May it come quickly. God help us all...
I knew it shouldn't be like this, but the fact of the matter was, that it was. I searched a laundry list of reason & found none viable. That is until now.
Last week the folks were w/us for the week & what should've been a great time of fun & togetherness, turned into sleepless mornings filled w/gut wrenching anxiety. I couldn't put my finger on it & believe me, I tried. I was just very uneasy about something & was very annoyed to not know what.
I've got a great relationship w/my folks & love being w/them. We've had our moments in the past, but nothing too extraordinary. So the reason for my anxiety was very hard to figure. That is until now.
The problem was & continues to be, is that I'm an idolater.
I've always thought to pride myself on my spontaneity & ability to be easy going, you know, w/the flow & all, but I was wrong. I've found that I've fooled myself into a false sense of security. I've spent the past who knows how long worshiping @ the altar of regimen.
I've given my faith away & filled the void w/the worship of the religion of repetition. Finding solace in the ebb & flow of the existence that is my life, that seemed very natural & comfortable. Truth be known, I lost the uncomfort of the supernatural & settled for a cheap imitation.
The anxiety was from a very real God speaking into my very unreal existence.
Wake up! I'm not found in the motion & rhythm that you find so appealing about your being here, but beyond that. Causing it... It often seems epiphany comes w/a cost. Sometimes the price tag is the last thing that I see. Maybe it should be the 1st.
My inconsistency makes me sick...
Jesus Freak played last nite on my way into work. Usually I'm pretty quick to turn this 1, but not tonite. Tonite I listen & wonder.
Did DC write the lyrics, chorus especially, for those considering the walk in front of non-believers (which is what I always thought) or the church? I pondered this thought as I traveled down the 110. I mean, what's more terrifying to those professing to know the Way, but yet are reluctant @ best to walk it, than to be confronted by a barbaric, locust-eating wild man.
I know that I've looked @ those dudes in the past w/patronizing glances @ best & disdainful 1's @ worst. It was because I was rocked asleep by the motion of the body & was most comfortable there. The ebb & flow of civilized church life only enhanced my existence, which is the point right?
All I know now is that this Jesus character is making a wreck of my life. I mean, He's totally trashin' it. This more abundant life stuff is nuts.
