cynical indifferences

funny how god's will can look differently from person to person, perspective to perspective & situation to situation. the underlying thread remains the same, it's just that the overlaying fabric can vary greatly. most folks may have some trouble w/this.

the fashions that form individual faith doesn't always appeal to the masses or maybe even to the few & i just gotta believe that that's ok. jesus is alive & well & @ work in a great variety of different ways regardless of our cynical indifferences. lately he seems very pleased to work through these odd ways whether anyone notices or not & especially in spite of our blessings of acceptance & acknowledgement.

i've often found that he enjoys the process all the more when our ignorances outweigh our intelligence. perhaps the space found there is broader, less restrictive & deeper than we may ever realize. i've only recently come to embrace this & find some level of comfort w/in it.

in my ignorance & lack of control, much is accomplished w/out it ever being about me our how things should be. the further i go, the less i know that i know & the more comfortable i am about it. paradoxical precision of these processes push me further into faith, because it is out here were it often feels that it's all that i've got.

trying to explain this often times exceeds my abilities & i just have to hope that people will wish to journey along rather than become stoically judgmental. this isn't always the case & i've learned to be fine w/that. the hand of providence that just so happens to move all us believers along is a massive thing & i must be reminded of that often.

the unknown beckons us all...

sad that only a few are ever able to get over themselves enough to answer the call...

my lacking...

the last couple of weeks have been hell. i've been stretched, pushed & pulled in directions that i never thought possible. i long for the merry-go-round to stop, or at least slow, but know that that's not an option.

i walked into work the other nite when a received a message from an angel. she's not the kind w/visible wings & halo, but she delivered a word that was timely & desperately needed. she approached w/a little piece of paper that contained a daily reading that she said reminded her of me.

i read it & melted. she had to have had no way of knowing the valley through which i'd been traveling, but she lifted me from it anyways. the words on the paper gave me flight & allowed me to soar once again, even if only for a little while.

i hesitate to share them...

i don't want you to think me pretentious...

i now wonder why i'm so reluctant to embrace & uplift people in this manner. why do i hide away my true feelings from folks when i know that it would allow them to soar...even if only for a while? i've even caught myself practicing my speech internally for just the right moment, only to allow the moment to pass silently.

i love so many...

why is it so hard to tell them...?

my lacking is often deafening in light of the silence...

overwhelmed...undeserved...overcome...

that 1 your's man? i ask the over-sized man peering thru the window @ our 3rd floor nursery.

yeah...

congrats bro...

yeah...um, thanks...

i continue to walk on by as i notice that this man was me not 6 yrs ago. this man looking thru the glass @ his future. this man floating above the floor on a high that no drug can command.

i can't help but feel his sense of coming undone. standing in awe of creation & holding responsibility over it. knowing that all he has to date are a long list of what's ultimately gone wrong in his life, while looking @ the 1 thing that hasn't.

i'm currently overwhelmed...

i want to be jesus. i want to conquer the world. i want, i want, i want...

i think that i just discovered my problem.

desire, passion & want are not necessarily bad things i guess, when they're safe & securely harnessed by the bridle of discernment. living in a constant state of want allows me to charge hills that i was never meant to see & jump down tunnels that were better left covered w/only myself to blame. i often outrun my protection & then wonder what happened.

i think back to when cam came. he turned my world upside down & i was looking down on all of creation he made me so high. how blessed i was/am & continue to be.

all undeserved...

while i'm fearfully & wonderfully made, i've got a big problem. i'm defective & filled w/imperfection. i do what i don't want to & don't do what i should.

i'm to raise 4 kids & a wife & i'm scared as hell. i want them to see christ, but sometimes feel that this is but a pipe dream as i'm doomed for failure. my current state of reasoning is that the best that i can hope for is to not screw their lives up too much.

maybe i'm just feeling sorry for myself...

right now...

i'm simply overcome...

@ the moment

life's a funny thing...

sometimes it's as easy as a summer breeze, other times it's as hard & cold as a dreary day in the south w/winds that cut to the bone. i don't understand what makes it so, but this is my reality. 1 that i've constantly got to remind myself of & deal with.

the thing is...

do i acquiesce to circumstance, or do i do what i'm called to & rise above despite my environment? do i succumb to the flesh or nail it, die to it & overcome it? the choice is always mine...

the choice...

we're constantly faced w/choices. some easy, some a great deal harder than the rest, but our character & who we are as created beings have everything to say as to how we deal w/them.

i'm coming clean here...

i want greatness...

not the kind that is readily recognized, but 1 that points to something much grander & amazing than my existence could ever possible illustrate in it's entirety. this leads me to & down paths that are often times not easily traversed &/our explained. when viewed in the grand scope, i hope that 1 could look & see providence in spite of myself.

i don't really know what else my life could be @ the moment...

intoxicate

baby lani loves her daddy, that's pretty easy to see. i put her in the bouncy seat in the living room while i try to steal away to get my morning workout in & she gets upset. i move the bouncy seat into the workout room w/me & she's all smiles & giggles.

i lean in real close to swipe a kiss or 12 in between sets & she simple stares & drools. i love it. i can't get enough of it.

i look into her eyes & i can see eternity. she exudes a gaze so pure that it intoxicates. sometimes my workouts are reduced to staring matches between 1 old, scarred man & a babe as innocent as the morning sun rise.

i begin to let my mind wonder in the amazement that is this reality & the glaring duality that exists. the very same things that can & do cause us the greatest joy are fully capable & often times bring us the most agonizing pain. we constantly struggle & strive for what we think be success, when all along we know better, but hope in vain that our ignoring of this elephant would cause it to seek other pastures in which to graze.

i'm fully convinced that the greatest treasure imaginable lies in the unsolicited, uncoerced, free will decision of unconditional love that 1 bestows on another. i know this to be gospel as i see beyond the eyes of my little lani & am forced to consider an alternative that i'd rather not. for as much as i love my little girl & would gladly lay down my life for her, i must consider the fact that she isn't obligated to love me back.

she could grow up & decided to exercise that aforementioned free will, turn 18 & out her old man. that is the reality that is my existence. that is what continues to turn over & over inside the confines of my mind now.

despite all of my efforts...

she doesn't have to love me...

in under 2 decades, the gaze that now opens portals to a the throne room of heaven itself, could fall on me in a rejection that could come very close to decimating my very soul. this is the possibility of the liberty of free will. while the thought disturbs me much, i realize that is how it must be.

for what is the worth of a love reciprocated under force & manipulation? i'd have to say, pretty close to zero, nil, nadda. this love is not worth having it returned nor devoted.

i turn to leave my babe & return to my work when i realize in some small way what it feels like to be god. to love something so much & provide for all of it's needs, all the while it is entirely possible that that love may be traveling down a 1 way road. while the return of that love brings unparalleled joy, the void of it brings unparalleled pain.

it seems like he meant to take an unmatched, inconceivable risk to reap an unbelievable, unimaginable reward. who else would allow his dream to come to life & be given the power to choose? to love & accept unconditionally in spite of the fact that many would gaze through eternity & say that they don't love him.

i just gotta believe that a father's heart breaks unseen, beyond what we could ever imagine. if you listen closely enough i think that you can hear it. i can see the cracks of possibility behind the innocent eyes that intoxicate.

what i've been readin'

the more i die to myself,

the more i

slip from the claws of death

and tumble into the freedom

of life.


story

by steven james

what i've really been diggin' lately...

just picked up matisyahu, live @ stubbs this last sat nite & i haven't been able to stop listening to it yet.

go get it...

i know why

i know now why he did it.

it just kinda dawned on me out of the blue the other nite. totally unexpected & unwarranted, but very welcomed & refreshing. the realization was something as real as a light lit & it's natural tendency to swallow the darkness completely, chasing the last remnants of it into the far corners of the room until they are totally vanquished.

i was just finishing up w/my cardio work for the day, when the kids broke into the inner sanctum that is my bedroom proudly showing off their displays of affection designed especially for valentine's day on colored construction paper. in time the paper will fade, but the memory birthed into reality will remain as eternal as my being. it's a time that's now frozen & rightfully so, as i was blessed much further than you would anticipate from the sharing of the heart of a 6 year old.

i took cam's pic into my mitts as he described it to me. it featured 2 hearts & a truth as eternal & true as anything that i can imagine. 1 heart's a little bigger than the other, has a stick figure of a boy in it & the words 'i love you dad' in it.

cam explained to me that the 2 hearts on paper were ours, mine being the bigger of the 2 & that the figure was him, as he knew that he was always in my heart. truer words have never been spoken. he went on to say that he was there w/god & that i was in his w/god too.

i swallowed my tears much as i do now & can only lift an eye towards the almighty in thanks. because now more than ever i know. i know why he did it.

many have wrestled w/the question as to why god would propagate such a ridiculous idea as creating us, knowing all along that we'd only screw things up, go our own way, turn our backs on him, say that he doesn't exist or that we don't love him. why contend w/such a contentious creation that obviously isn't worth the effort or contumacy.

cam's creation showed me why all this is & continues to be. it's simplistic & basic & i believe it to be the purest view of the heart of god that i've ever seen. it's caused me to reassess every fiber of my existence & reprioritize my reason for being.

god created, forgives, restores, makes new & dispenses grace in such abundance because of the value of this...the choice that we make to love him. a free will decision to love is unparalleled throughout creation & continues to drive a god who has absolutely no obligation to allow our foolishness to continue. this is the very heart of a god w/out parallel or equal.

so this is why he'd buy me back @ such an awful price. for the love of a creation that didn't have to & to participate in community w/it. cam certainly doesn't have to love me, but the fact that he does & does so unconditionally is something for which there is no price tag.

if i, as an earthly father can burn w/the fires that accompany the idea that my offspring carries me in their heart & i reciprocate that in my own, how much more does our heaven father? all of this made possible because of a love greater & outside of ourselves 1st chose us. a love so pure & divine that it waits patiently for us to open ourselves to it & be set free. a love that'll eventually liberate from w/in & has the power to change worlds.

i know why he did it.

he did it for love.

i often wonder...

In Essentials, unity. In non-essentials, liberty. In all things, love.

i often wonder how far is too far.


is it possible to befriend someone who lives contrary to the way that you think, believe & have chosen to live? can you love that person enough to let them be & not continually think of them as a mission project or secular mountain to scale & conquer? should you?

do you allow them to speak what they believe to be truth into your life only to barter that time in exchange for your own bully pulpit? should there ever be limits to the exchange & come a time where it's obvious that you should wash your hands of their being? is there ever such a thing as a lost cause?

i've heard it preached that tolerance is a dirty word. @ 1 time in my life i would probably agree w/that, but now i'm not so sure that it's enough. where is there to go to when tolerance only devalues our ideals of redemption, grace & forgiveness?

tol·er·ance

The capacity for or the practice of recognizing and respecting the beliefs or practices of others.
Leeway for variation from a standard.
The permissible deviation from a specified value of a structural dimension, often expressed as a percent.

i personally find that my longing to cling to tolerance not only discounts people, it wholesales my desire to engage them. all my marchings under the tolerance banner only show my underhanded attempts to usurp the spirit & set up shop for myself. it's only brought me misery so far, so i'm really struggling to let it go.

liberty just may be the only way to begin to see people the way that he does. it allows them to act upon the free will w/which they were born & values their choices...even the wrong 1's. i hate to see willfully, wrongheaded decisions acted upon, but i have to keep telling myself that they are free to choose...especially if it's wrong.

lib·er·ty

The condition of being free from restriction or control.
The right and power to act, believe, or express oneself in a manner of one's own choosing.
The condition of being physically and legally free from confinement, servitude, or forced labor.

maybe that's another part of love.

unconditional,

accepting,

liberating love...

whose depths i've just began to muse @ plumbing...

i often wonder...

the apostle

i met a real live apostle the other day. at least that's what the flyer from his latest crusade said. no offense, but i couldn't help but think of bobby duvall & his portrayal of the apostle e.f. in the movie aptly titled the apostle.


the dude seems knowledgeable enough, it's just that his timing & sense of discernment in regards to relevancy seem to be a tick or 2 off. while i know that truth is always truth regardless of time or situation, it just seems to me to work a lot better when contextualized into a fluid space in time when trying to relate it to another. 1 w/out a working sense of relevancy seems much akin to the guy trying to kill a fly w/a sledge hammer.

i'll try & elaborate...

the apostle was telling a tale about the trip to home depot today & how he decided to help himself to a ladder in the store to reach something on a top shelf. when the sales clerk approached him about it to tell him that that wasn't cool for him to do & to please allow her, he responded w/some diatribe about political correctness & how we're in such a mess because we don't really believe in the bible. of course she just looks @ him like he's got 3 heads, gives him his merch & ambles away.

just another story 'bout a weird xtian hunh?

sadly...

i'm afraid that we discount the presence of the spirit & rely soley on the amount of our understanding, which is far too often than not very, very limited. i've yet to enquire as to how this cat has come to the place where he calls himself apostle. i'm not really sure that i can stomach the tale.

just another story 'bout a weird xtian...

sadly...