intoxicate

baby lani loves her daddy, that's pretty easy to see. i put her in the bouncy seat in the living room while i try to steal away to get my morning workout in & she gets upset. i move the bouncy seat into the workout room w/me & she's all smiles & giggles.

i lean in real close to swipe a kiss or 12 in between sets & she simple stares & drools. i love it. i can't get enough of it.

i look into her eyes & i can see eternity. she exudes a gaze so pure that it intoxicates. sometimes my workouts are reduced to staring matches between 1 old, scarred man & a babe as innocent as the morning sun rise.

i begin to let my mind wonder in the amazement that is this reality & the glaring duality that exists. the very same things that can & do cause us the greatest joy are fully capable & often times bring us the most agonizing pain. we constantly struggle & strive for what we think be success, when all along we know better, but hope in vain that our ignoring of this elephant would cause it to seek other pastures in which to graze.

i'm fully convinced that the greatest treasure imaginable lies in the unsolicited, uncoerced, free will decision of unconditional love that 1 bestows on another. i know this to be gospel as i see beyond the eyes of my little lani & am forced to consider an alternative that i'd rather not. for as much as i love my little girl & would gladly lay down my life for her, i must consider the fact that she isn't obligated to love me back.

she could grow up & decided to exercise that aforementioned free will, turn 18 & out her old man. that is the reality that is my existence. that is what continues to turn over & over inside the confines of my mind now.

despite all of my efforts...

she doesn't have to love me...

in under 2 decades, the gaze that now opens portals to a the throne room of heaven itself, could fall on me in a rejection that could come very close to decimating my very soul. this is the possibility of the liberty of free will. while the thought disturbs me much, i realize that is how it must be.

for what is the worth of a love reciprocated under force & manipulation? i'd have to say, pretty close to zero, nil, nadda. this love is not worth having it returned nor devoted.

i turn to leave my babe & return to my work when i realize in some small way what it feels like to be god. to love something so much & provide for all of it's needs, all the while it is entirely possible that that love may be traveling down a 1 way road. while the return of that love brings unparalleled joy, the void of it brings unparalleled pain.

it seems like he meant to take an unmatched, inconceivable risk to reap an unbelievable, unimaginable reward. who else would allow his dream to come to life & be given the power to choose? to love & accept unconditionally in spite of the fact that many would gaze through eternity & say that they don't love him.

i just gotta believe that a father's heart breaks unseen, beyond what we could ever imagine. if you listen closely enough i think that you can hear it. i can see the cracks of possibility behind the innocent eyes that intoxicate.