Please feel free to patronize, ridicule or join me in the search for genuine authenticity in what is hopefully developing into a truly transparent walk.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
insatiably unrelenting
Before I sink into the big sleep I want to hear I want to hear The scream of the butterfly
when the music's over the doors i often wondered what jim meant by that. maybe it's just the byproduct of too many drugs & the insatiably unrelenting appetite for discovery. maybe he was just nuts.
either way, my mind isn't free from a moment this past week as am's & i traveled many miles back & forth between the hospital & home. it was on 1 such recent journey that it happened as i'm sure that it has to countless other travelers on countless other journeys on countless other roads. the significance of said event has none the less been turned over w/in me time & time again as i continue to process the trips as well as the journeys.
it was a gorgeous afternoon on i-49 as the earth lay radiant in all it's glory. the black butterfly bounds beautifully over the tops of the median's bountiful johnson grass unbeknownst to the horrible end that awaits it. the cruise is set @ 78 or so mph's & i quickly do the rudimental physics in my head & realize that this insect is bound to become an endoplasmic glob on the windsheld of my avy. the new dbt, (well at least to me), is on the radio while my mind swims deep within the lyrics when the inevitable happens. just as beautifully as the bug once bounced over grass tops as if pulled on a string, it now comes to a horrific rest on the glass before me. already considering the wonderfully terrifying realities of the fragility of life w/mike in the hospital only serves to compound the situation.
& the cd spins...
Once upon a time, my advice to you would have been go out and find yourself a whore But I guess I've grown up, because I don't give that kind of advice anymore
Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt
I was 27 when I figured out that blowing my brains wasn't the answer So I decided, maybe I should find a way to make this world work out for me And my good friend Paul was 83 when he told me; that "To love is to feel pain" And I thought about that then and I've thought about that again and again
Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt
"To love is to feel pain" there ain't no way around it The very nature of love is to grieve when it is over The secret to a happy ending is knowing when to role the credits Better role them now before something else goes wrong No, it's a wonderful world, if you can put aside the sadness And hang on to every ounce of beauty upon you Better take the time to know it there ain't no way around it If you feel anything at all
Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt
So if what you have is working for you, or you think that it can stand a reasonable chance, and whatever's broken seems fixable and nothing's beyond repair If you still think about each other and smile before you remember how screwed up it's gotten or maybe dream of a time less rotten Remember, it ain't too late to take a deep breath and throw yourself into it with everything you got
It's great to be alive
Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt
a world of hurt drive by truckers
so...
i'm left contemplating the truth found in the reality of love, butterflies & a world of hurt. sometimes the very things that make me want to pull the covers over my head & wish that everything outside of that fairly pretentious shield would all just dissolve into nothingness are the very things that drive me from said bed to embrace this truth. i'm just sure that i would've heard the scream before the splat if i had just listened close enough.
maybe the ears w/which i need to hear are not on my head, much akin to the eyes w/which i often see aren't either...
we find ourselves over 500 miles from home, running back & forth to the hospital & just trying to figure out what to do next. the kids have been great, even though they're totally out of routine. we bed down in the living room floor of my folk's house & make the best of what we've got in front of us. meanwhile, back @ the ranch, the venue marches on. we host 300 or so this past friday nite, are the pick of the week...again & get some talk on local rock radio station tk101. this shouldn't be happening, but it continues.
i really don't buy into circumstance all that much & i hesitate to give the devil credit for every little nuance that pops up, but lately things have got my head swimming. our 1st show was preceded by some very personal issues that could have had devastating results @ the minimum, but were overcome. the day of the 2nd show, my sister was hospitalized w/what turned out to be severe food poisoning & dehydration. the wed before the last show, amy's dad is put in & now has to undergo open-heart surgery.
i shudder to think what the project show is gonna bring...
friends & family beware...
it may be best if you don't know or be related to me right now...
i'm of the opinion that folks have been in the wrong-headed practice of using it as something that it was totally not meant for. it's been used abusively as a qualifier that all to often replaces the implicate & desperate need for proper discernment. this leads to the whole hearted acceptance of things that may not be beneficial, not to mention good.
i'm a christian.
i'm not a christian father, pharmacist, t-ball coach or whatever else i may be doing @ the time. this may seem like i'm splitting hairs, but the implications can be huge if played out. i'm afraid that most would be lulled to sleep & welcome w/open arms just about anything as long as it's preceded by the word christian.
christian music.
christian magazine.
christian book.
i've never wanted to be christian anything. i don't long for the things i listen to or am involved w/to be known as christian x or christian z. i do wish that the things that i put to my hand would be known for & associated w/excellence & quality.
the venue is one of those things.
this past week was our 2nd show. it also just so happened to be the independent news pick of the week. we welcome the challenge to promote & produce in the market place of clubs, bars, coffee shops & halls.
this is exactly where we need to be. not content to be the best christian this or that, but striving to be the best period. we now know that we are fully capable of that.
so...
this is a call to all who feel fulfilled in the slums found in the shadow of the steeple...
When I think of "Christian Rock" by the way, I'm thinkin "Stryper". Has it morphed into something else since the 80's? GRANTED, Creed snuck in there, and, now that I actually listen to the lyrics, I can see how some peeps might take that.
AND, I am a SUPER fan of "King's X".. THAT "Little Band from Texas" is WAY tighter and has more musicianship in their little pinkys than ZZTOP ever will have.. but I digress...
SO, I say again..
"What IS Deathway?"
Faith.Hope.Love.
my response...
good question...
deathway is...
@ it's very core...
an expedition that was charted a couple of years ago w/truth as it's destination...
it's about music, but hopefully entails so much more than that...
it's about the search for those intangible qualities that make us long for something much larger & more incredible than we could ever imagine...
it's found in the menial & mundane as well as the magnificent & miraculous...
it's found in the music we listen to as well as the books & magazines that we read & the tv & movies that we watch...
it's the underlying current that moves us all along on this amazing journey called life...
it seperates us from the rest of the creative order, but doesn't alleviate our responsibility towards it...
it drives us towards integrity to do the right thing when no 1 else would ever know any different & rewards us w/peace, joy, happiness & a richer fuller life...
we believe that this it...
is truth...
this truth is love...
& that this love is unconditional, unrelenting & is ever in pursuit of us...
to bring us back to itself...
in the end, we believe that this love is god...
we base our life on it & while we wish that others would too...
we understand that we cannot drive them to this conclusion...
we honor each & everyone's very personal decision to accept this truth or not...
as creative or smart or whatever we think that we may be, we know that we'll never be able to push or reason someone to acknowlege this on our own...
deathway is all about finding the expressions of truth in the things that we love...
music, literature, art...life...
we, hopefully @ the very same time...
acknowledge these things & respect the rights of others to disagree w/us...
deathway is a forum for all of this to take place & a safehaven for believer & non-believer alike to examine these things & to hopefully learn & grow together from 1 another...
i'm now finding myself very reminiscent of the past fleeting moments & am yearning to bat them back down from the air, so that i might collect them for future ploddings. funny thing is, that these moments of reflection are filled w/value due to a pretty eclectic collection of readings. 1 day may be very like another, but this 1 stands out...at least for now.
i was working my way through an article on josh ritter in my newly subscribed to paste magazine when i came across some very tasty food for thought. he also dropped a quote within the contents that hasn't lingered far from my thoughts since they were given life in my own very limited reality. josh states that 1 of his favorite quotes is from theresa of avila--'all the way to heaven is heaven.'
he goes on...
if you're looking for heaven you can find it here, and you can work for heaven on earth. and if you're looking for hell, it's easy to get there, too, on earth. ...... josh knows that though he's been blessed with a job he loves and is able to do it alongside people he loves, all is not right with the world. he knows that until we go beyond fighting about the specifics of religion or politics, if we don't start looking for ways to bring heaven into the everyday, we're soon going to be looking at hell on earth.
by josh jackson
next it's time to pick cam up from school, so i make sure to bring along my current si to serve as filler time between the time we actually arrive in line to get him, until they let 'em out & we're on our way. there's an interesting article titled the meaning of roberto clemente that catches my eye, but not enough to devote more time than enough to skim the high parts. the subtext already has me somewhat as it states to understand why roberto has so many things (40 schools, 2 hospitals & scores of parks & ball fields, from puerto rico to pittsburgh) carrying his name, you have to know how he died.
i'm familiar w/the story & his prowess on the field, but i come across a piece of the article that really ices the day for me. it's not really a quote, but it should be & probably is somewhere unbeknownst to my idiotic self. the man's been dead since '72 & still we remember.
sounds like words to live by to me...
if you can make life better for others and you fail to do so, clemente believed, you are wasting your time on earth.
the birth of the live experience is an amazing thing. the end of anxiety comes w/the sweet feeling of peace as you finally arrive in the moment. tomorrow nite births the sweet release of anxiety & needless worry.
can't wait to just be in the ambiance of the moment. hate myself for getting caught up in the anticipation, but i just don't know if that's something that i'll ever be completely free of. too many variables that warrant consideration & rightfully so.
perspective is everything... i continually struggle to become what i'm should physically, but there's 1 big problem that i keep running in to...
it's so much easier to look back & compare my current state w/where i was rather than that w/which i'm attempting to ascribe. this is the beginning of justification through rationalization by seeing the improvement made regardless of starting point. instead of pushing through plateaus maintained to feed the flesh, i often choose to remain there, slowly dying all the while.
this physical truth isn't a mutually exclusive reality. it bleeds through to the spiritual as well. all too often i get challenged, feed, grow & awaken only after a sustained & debilitating slumber.
as long as my heart beats...
here's to the death of the laurels upon i often rest...
& putting the hand to the plow w/an eye down the row, rather than that that lay behind...
the search for identity & finding the death of self
w/the folks in town, am's & i took complete advantage of the situation & went out on a date for the 1st time in over 5 years. it was kinda odd to say the least. just to be able to drive out of the driveway w/am's by my side & not having to threaten a wee 1 w/eminent death was refreshingly weird. almost like something big was missing. something like the drudgery of tying your shoes, but then realizing that you no longer have any feet. i know...weird.
we had a great date. we went down to the fish house & took in the magnificence of the bay as the wind drove the water & gulls dipped & played in the last remnants of the day. i didn't even care that the wait for a table was an estimated 45 minutes or so.
cool...
this nite is 1 not to be rushed. 1 to be savored instead w/the 1 who walks this terrestrial ball w/me & knows me almost better than i do. she deserves this...we both do.
dinner was superb. there was no coddling of little 1's nor the need to threaten w/bodily harm to stay seated & to complete the meal. no running to the bathroom or dealing w/bottles, wipes or diapers.
we were able to just be...
we talked & talked, but we really didn't learn anything new. maybe it'd been too long from the last time. we had plenty to say, but it wasn't anything different than the usual.
it wasn't until later, laying prone in bed & staring @ the ceiling that i wondered about it all. had we lost something...? i mean...our relationship has never been better, but...i just wonder if something gets missed along the way.
we're completely busy people...
busy w/ministry, raising kids & finding our way in the world, but until the other nite i never really thought about all the things that take little pieces of us & how in our search for our true selves that maybe, just maybe...we look up 1 day to find our identity has been lost along the way. i wonder if it is completely possible to walk this road called life & sit down to our feast @ the end of the way to find that we've nothing to say apart from the experiences. maybe that's the way that it is, maybe that's what is inevitable, but i'm just not so sure.
people ask me all the time what it is that i do & as much as i don't want the things that i do to define me, it seems like they often do. that's why i tell people that i sell drugs. it's the truth, but put in such a way that it catches them completely off guard. i can't resist seeing their reaction either.
am's & i are golden. a life cemented together to stand the weather of eternity. it's just that i hesitate to say that all that we are is all that we do. which, in & of itself would be a lot. i'm just not so sure that it's enough.
i look forward to more dates w/the soul that was molded to complete my own. to find new & exciting places to speak into & explore rather than to stay on the beaten path with. to continue the search for the redemption of self in spite of what we do & see it more appropriately in why we do.
