the search for identity & finding the death of self
w/the folks in town, am's & i took complete advantage of the situation & went out on a date for the 1st time in over 5 years. it was kinda odd to say the least. just to be able to drive out of the driveway w/am's by my side & not having to threaten a wee 1 w/eminent death was refreshingly weird.
almost like something big was missing. something like the drudgery of tying your shoes, but then realizing that you no longer have any feet. i know...weird.
we had a great date. we went down to the fish house & took in the magnificence of the bay as the wind drove the water & gulls dipped & played in the last remnants of the day. i didn't even care that the wait for a table was an estimated 45 minutes or so.
cool...
this nite is 1 not to be rushed. 1 to be savored instead w/the 1 who walks this terrestrial ball w/me & knows me almost better than i do. she deserves this...we both do.
dinner was superb. there was no coddling of little 1's nor the need to threaten w/bodily harm to stay seated & to complete the meal. no running to the bathroom or dealing w/bottles, wipes or diapers.
we were able to just be...
we talked & talked, but we really didn't learn anything new. maybe it'd been too long from the last time. we had plenty to say, but it wasn't anything different than the usual.
it wasn't until later, laying prone in bed & staring @ the ceiling that i wondered about it all. had we lost something...? i mean...our relationship has never been better, but...i just wonder if something gets missed along the way.
we're completely busy people...
busy w/ministry, raising kids & finding our way in the world, but until the other nite i never really thought about all the things that take little pieces of us & how in our search for our true selves that maybe, just maybe...we look up 1 day to find our identity has been lost along the way. i wonder if it is completely possible to walk this road called life & sit down to our feast @ the end of the way to find that we've nothing to say apart from the experiences. maybe that's the way that it is, maybe that's what is inevitable, but i'm just not so sure.
people ask me all the time what it is that i do & as much as i don't want the things that i do to define me, it seems like they often do. that's why i tell people that i sell drugs. it's the truth, but put in such a way that it catches them completely off guard. i can't resist seeing their reaction either.
am's & i are golden. a life cemented together to stand the weather of eternity. it's just that i hesitate to say that all that we are is all that we do. which, in & of itself would be a lot. i'm just not so sure that it's enough.
i look forward to more dates w/the soul that was molded to complete my own. to find new & exciting places to speak into & explore rather than to stay on the beaten path with. to continue the search for the redemption of self in spite of what we do & see it more appropriately in why we do.
almost like something big was missing. something like the drudgery of tying your shoes, but then realizing that you no longer have any feet. i know...weird.
we had a great date. we went down to the fish house & took in the magnificence of the bay as the wind drove the water & gulls dipped & played in the last remnants of the day. i didn't even care that the wait for a table was an estimated 45 minutes or so.
cool...
this nite is 1 not to be rushed. 1 to be savored instead w/the 1 who walks this terrestrial ball w/me & knows me almost better than i do. she deserves this...we both do.
dinner was superb. there was no coddling of little 1's nor the need to threaten w/bodily harm to stay seated & to complete the meal. no running to the bathroom or dealing w/bottles, wipes or diapers.
we were able to just be...
we talked & talked, but we really didn't learn anything new. maybe it'd been too long from the last time. we had plenty to say, but it wasn't anything different than the usual.
it wasn't until later, laying prone in bed & staring @ the ceiling that i wondered about it all. had we lost something...? i mean...our relationship has never been better, but...i just wonder if something gets missed along the way.
we're completely busy people...
busy w/ministry, raising kids & finding our way in the world, but until the other nite i never really thought about all the things that take little pieces of us & how in our search for our true selves that maybe, just maybe...we look up 1 day to find our identity has been lost along the way. i wonder if it is completely possible to walk this road called life & sit down to our feast @ the end of the way to find that we've nothing to say apart from the experiences. maybe that's the way that it is, maybe that's what is inevitable, but i'm just not so sure.
people ask me all the time what it is that i do & as much as i don't want the things that i do to define me, it seems like they often do. that's why i tell people that i sell drugs. it's the truth, but put in such a way that it catches them completely off guard. i can't resist seeing their reaction either.
am's & i are golden. a life cemented together to stand the weather of eternity. it's just that i hesitate to say that all that we are is all that we do. which, in & of itself would be a lot. i'm just not so sure that it's enough.
i look forward to more dates w/the soul that was molded to complete my own. to find new & exciting places to speak into & explore rather than to stay on the beaten path with. to continue the search for the redemption of self in spite of what we do & see it more appropriately in why we do.
posted by lee at 5:33 PM
2 Comments:
For some reason, this is one of the most meaningful posts (to me personally) that you have ever written. It hit me on several levels but this is not my blog so I'll save that.
Your love for your wife is so pure and strong and real I can almost feel it.
PLEASE get a babysitter and get your butt's out on a date at least once a month. Life is too short, Lee. This is it. Don't wait to enjoy this time with Amy because life is also fragile and you never know when it will slip away.
Hey brother, I echo Barabara's thoughts. I think this was beautiful. And I agree, you guys need to geta babysitter and have a date night once a week or at least PLANNED dates every so often. The two of you deserve each other and the time for one another.
Lee, in a way you are like a best-blog friend. I know you are out there.
Thanks, and give my love to Amy.
In Christ's love,
Rick
P.S. Keep reaching for those on the fringe.
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