woeful or wonderful...?
existence...
condition...
2 pretty tame & innocuous words held altogether separate from what becomes a markedly hefty qualifier such as when the word human becomes the precursor to both. some days i see the shell as 1/2 empty @ best & wonder what it's gonna take to bring value to either, while others possess all the hope that the light of day can carry. all too often i'm left wishing to hold the middle ground & all the safety that being found somewhere in betwixt can bring.
i held lani the other day & could feel it...
as the outside world ceased to exist for us, i sat & wondered if there were anyway that i could preserve the limitless potential & innocence that she now contains. the wrong-headed but well intended thought flooded my soul that if i could but limit her experiential existence, that is to be her life, i could preserve her condition of the now. her condition of the now is eternally pure & as visible to me as the brokenness that marks my own life some 34 yrs her senior.
just as suredly as the leaf-bladed ceiling fan circulated the den air in & around us, the rhythm of life is to take it's toll on my beautiful babe. her innocence is breathed out continually, with no hopes of it's containment, leaving me to despair momentarily over the condition we all face. the best we can hope for is to leave lasting indelible marks of beauty amongst the mired ugliness after we're long forgotten.
all along the way we lose, find & become so absorbed w/ourselves i'm afraid that we miss too much. i pine & waste time longing for a perfection that never comes this side, while a world passes by. i also become the cynical critic that tears down, rather than builds up.
i mourn the things that never are, curse the darkness & fail to realize my own illuminescent abilities given me w/purpose. i forget too easily what i should know for certain & all to often look to add to the mayhem rather than be a portal for peace. i'd rather acquiesce than assert when i know that i shouldn't & often take sick pleasures in hating myself for it later.
i'm a living contradiction striving to become comfortable in my own skin. if this isn't a reality for me, i only pray that i can fake it well enough for my kids to become what i could not. seeing eternity reflected in the eyes of innocence has a way of reflecting your own short-comings.
human...
existence...
condition...
woeful or wonderful...
i often feel like i'm just treading the frigid waters of the atlantic, long after the titanic has headed south, just trying to scrap together enough floatables to make the night. how the hell can i be of any use to anybody when i'm really struggling to keep my own head above water? i focus on the waves, taste the salt on my lips & realize that my time is fleeting.
condition...
2 pretty tame & innocuous words held altogether separate from what becomes a markedly hefty qualifier such as when the word human becomes the precursor to both. some days i see the shell as 1/2 empty @ best & wonder what it's gonna take to bring value to either, while others possess all the hope that the light of day can carry. all too often i'm left wishing to hold the middle ground & all the safety that being found somewhere in betwixt can bring.
i held lani the other day & could feel it...
as the outside world ceased to exist for us, i sat & wondered if there were anyway that i could preserve the limitless potential & innocence that she now contains. the wrong-headed but well intended thought flooded my soul that if i could but limit her experiential existence, that is to be her life, i could preserve her condition of the now. her condition of the now is eternally pure & as visible to me as the brokenness that marks my own life some 34 yrs her senior.
just as suredly as the leaf-bladed ceiling fan circulated the den air in & around us, the rhythm of life is to take it's toll on my beautiful babe. her innocence is breathed out continually, with no hopes of it's containment, leaving me to despair momentarily over the condition we all face. the best we can hope for is to leave lasting indelible marks of beauty amongst the mired ugliness after we're long forgotten.
all along the way we lose, find & become so absorbed w/ourselves i'm afraid that we miss too much. i pine & waste time longing for a perfection that never comes this side, while a world passes by. i also become the cynical critic that tears down, rather than builds up.
i mourn the things that never are, curse the darkness & fail to realize my own illuminescent abilities given me w/purpose. i forget too easily what i should know for certain & all to often look to add to the mayhem rather than be a portal for peace. i'd rather acquiesce than assert when i know that i shouldn't & often take sick pleasures in hating myself for it later.
i'm a living contradiction striving to become comfortable in my own skin. if this isn't a reality for me, i only pray that i can fake it well enough for my kids to become what i could not. seeing eternity reflected in the eyes of innocence has a way of reflecting your own short-comings.
human...
existence...
condition...
woeful or wonderful...
i often feel like i'm just treading the frigid waters of the atlantic, long after the titanic has headed south, just trying to scrap together enough floatables to make the night. how the hell can i be of any use to anybody when i'm really struggling to keep my own head above water? i focus on the waves, taste the salt on my lips & realize that my time is fleeting.
posted by lee at 4:49 AM
2 comments
