You're Not Me...I Am
I've always prided myself on being a great dad. I consider it one of the most important titles that I hold and take it quite seriously. If I could set aside my pride for just a moment, I'd like to say that I was pretty good at it, but as all too often happens in my life, I've been proven wrong once again.
It was way past dark-thirty the other nite when Cam paid us a visit to snuggle the rest of the nite away. He hadn't been there long when I felt him jump the first time. I woke in time to catch him desperately searching the sheets for bugs that weren't there. He jumped the 2nd and 3rd times with me fully awake and fully embracing his tiny frame with mine in what turned out to be a very, and I mean very, feeble attempt to calm his fears. I thought that it would simply take me calming him, then waking him, then loving him back to sleep again, but as I've mentioned time and time again I was wrong.
I hope that I never have to experience what took place again anytime in the near or distant future for the simple fact that it terrified me. I held my only son in my arms and tried everything that knew that I had within my power to do for him, but he could not be consoled. All my attempts to calm his fears went to no avail. He shivered, jumped, screamed and cried with eyes wide open and I lay helpless to do anything about it. After this went on for what seemed like lifetimes, the words came to me... "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!...after these bounced around in my head for a while and my tears subsided I could hear it or Him to be more exact...
You're not me...I am...I am just as I told so many before you and I am still. The thought that should ultimately comfort me, still honestly terrifies me somewhat. I can't be everything to Cam that I wish that I could be, but He can. I can't solve everything for him for He can. I can never be the father to him that He can... this I am. I covet my little Cam and for this I need forgiveness and can rest assured that I am.
It was way past dark-thirty the other nite when Cam paid us a visit to snuggle the rest of the nite away. He hadn't been there long when I felt him jump the first time. I woke in time to catch him desperately searching the sheets for bugs that weren't there. He jumped the 2nd and 3rd times with me fully awake and fully embracing his tiny frame with mine in what turned out to be a very, and I mean very, feeble attempt to calm his fears. I thought that it would simply take me calming him, then waking him, then loving him back to sleep again, but as I've mentioned time and time again I was wrong.
I hope that I never have to experience what took place again anytime in the near or distant future for the simple fact that it terrified me. I held my only son in my arms and tried everything that knew that I had within my power to do for him, but he could not be consoled. All my attempts to calm his fears went to no avail. He shivered, jumped, screamed and cried with eyes wide open and I lay helpless to do anything about it. After this went on for what seemed like lifetimes, the words came to me... "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!...after these bounced around in my head for a while and my tears subsided I could hear it or Him to be more exact...
You're not me...I am...I am just as I told so many before you and I am still. The thought that should ultimately comfort me, still honestly terrifies me somewhat. I can't be everything to Cam that I wish that I could be, but He can. I can't solve everything for him for He can. I can never be the father to him that He can... this I am. I covet my little Cam and for this I need forgiveness and can rest assured that I am.
posted by lee at 4:59 AM
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