Ignorant Rejection
Feelings are a funny thing. They are seemingly in a constant state of flux, yet can often appear deeply rooted in a bedrock of who we are that would give us the impression that they would never, ever change. I guess that it is true that the only constant in life is change.
Looking back on the journey that I began some thirty plus years ago, I recall two relationships that I find myself examining from time to time. It is with these two relationships that I find great similarity and great diversion, great joy and great pain and most of all have learned a great deal and learned very little in comparison to the vastness of the walk. One of said experiences has since come to an end, while the other has continued to blossom and grow into something that I never would have expected. It now stands in stark contrast to how it looked in the beginning and it is in this beginning where the similarities are found with the now ended relationship.
You see, Sean was a childhood friend. One of my best buds in those all too awkward teen years where you’re never too sure of who you are and who you want to be. We shared a common bond of quirkiness that enabled us to confide in each other when no one else seemed to have a clue. We could be ourselves with each other and at that stage of the game it was a great comfort to us. We laughed at jokes that only we knew the punch lines to and didn’t care if no one else was laughing with us. I thought that it’d be that way forever or at least for the rest of our lives. I was wrong, dead wrong.
Sean and I started to drift apart by the time graduation came along. The fact that I was going to walk and he was not due to a reason long forgotten was the beginning of the end. When college came, we were complete strangers to each other. I had my fraternity brothers and a new circle of friends of which he was not found. I lost track and for some sad reason I didn’t even care. How this could be still puzzles me as I search my emotional past for some long forgotten clues. Even sadder could be the way that our same relationship that we once shared and found comforting in our awkward adolescence was an embarrassment in front of my new and improved friends.
The other relationship is inversely proportional to the one Sean and I had. It has matured to a point now that I don’t know how I ever managed otherwise. I’ve now found the same comfort in confiding all my problems and awkwardness as before, but to an even greater degree. This new found friend is one unlike any other. It wasn’t always this fulfilling a relationship as it is now though. You see, the thing about an inverse proportion is that compared to something that started big and ended small, it starts small and ends big. What started as comforting and confiding ending in embarrassment, now starts resembling embarrassment and ends with comfort and confiding as the polar opposite.
How can this be? How can two distinctly remarkable relationships, that both carried and carry so much weight in the formation of what I like to call my life, be so diametrically opposed to each other? These and many more questions of the such have haunted me lately and all can be answered in one phrase. Our true feelings are authentically connected to an intimate knowledge of another and only "change" when we lose, forget or suppress that knowledge. This idea is the only thing that brings me comfort in both relationships now. With Sean, I lost an intimacy that we shared in our earlier years that lead to my embarrassment and ultimate rejection of him, which is sad indeed. In the later relationship, I never engaged in the intimate portion of the relationship until we were somewhat further down the road, which helped me understand my "embarrassment" in the beginning. I couldn’t fully accept the depth of the walk with out gaining an innate knowledge of the path. This is especially comforting in light of the other in the later relationship. He is no other than Jesus.
I often wrestled with this because I always heard that if I were ashamed of Him before others, He would be likewise before the Father. It wasn’t until later that I came to realize that I was never ashamed of Him as I know Him now, but rather I was ashamed of Him as I didn’t know Him then. I rejected an image of Him that was untrue and unknown to myself at the time, but fully accept Him as I know Him intimately now. My rejection was out of ignorance of the real Him and the lack of knowledge of His true character. Please learn from my mistakes. Don’t reject Him out of ignorance of who He really is or what another says of Him. Accept Him through the knowledge that you gain that only comes through an authentic intimate relationship with Him. This ignorant rejection is one that you’ll truly regret.
May He keep you until I see you again Sean. I miss you.
Looking back on the journey that I began some thirty plus years ago, I recall two relationships that I find myself examining from time to time. It is with these two relationships that I find great similarity and great diversion, great joy and great pain and most of all have learned a great deal and learned very little in comparison to the vastness of the walk. One of said experiences has since come to an end, while the other has continued to blossom and grow into something that I never would have expected. It now stands in stark contrast to how it looked in the beginning and it is in this beginning where the similarities are found with the now ended relationship.
You see, Sean was a childhood friend. One of my best buds in those all too awkward teen years where you’re never too sure of who you are and who you want to be. We shared a common bond of quirkiness that enabled us to confide in each other when no one else seemed to have a clue. We could be ourselves with each other and at that stage of the game it was a great comfort to us. We laughed at jokes that only we knew the punch lines to and didn’t care if no one else was laughing with us. I thought that it’d be that way forever or at least for the rest of our lives. I was wrong, dead wrong.
Sean and I started to drift apart by the time graduation came along. The fact that I was going to walk and he was not due to a reason long forgotten was the beginning of the end. When college came, we were complete strangers to each other. I had my fraternity brothers and a new circle of friends of which he was not found. I lost track and for some sad reason I didn’t even care. How this could be still puzzles me as I search my emotional past for some long forgotten clues. Even sadder could be the way that our same relationship that we once shared and found comforting in our awkward adolescence was an embarrassment in front of my new and improved friends.
The other relationship is inversely proportional to the one Sean and I had. It has matured to a point now that I don’t know how I ever managed otherwise. I’ve now found the same comfort in confiding all my problems and awkwardness as before, but to an even greater degree. This new found friend is one unlike any other. It wasn’t always this fulfilling a relationship as it is now though. You see, the thing about an inverse proportion is that compared to something that started big and ended small, it starts small and ends big. What started as comforting and confiding ending in embarrassment, now starts resembling embarrassment and ends with comfort and confiding as the polar opposite.
How can this be? How can two distinctly remarkable relationships, that both carried and carry so much weight in the formation of what I like to call my life, be so diametrically opposed to each other? These and many more questions of the such have haunted me lately and all can be answered in one phrase. Our true feelings are authentically connected to an intimate knowledge of another and only "change" when we lose, forget or suppress that knowledge. This idea is the only thing that brings me comfort in both relationships now. With Sean, I lost an intimacy that we shared in our earlier years that lead to my embarrassment and ultimate rejection of him, which is sad indeed. In the later relationship, I never engaged in the intimate portion of the relationship until we were somewhat further down the road, which helped me understand my "embarrassment" in the beginning. I couldn’t fully accept the depth of the walk with out gaining an innate knowledge of the path. This is especially comforting in light of the other in the later relationship. He is no other than Jesus.
I often wrestled with this because I always heard that if I were ashamed of Him before others, He would be likewise before the Father. It wasn’t until later that I came to realize that I was never ashamed of Him as I know Him now, but rather I was ashamed of Him as I didn’t know Him then. I rejected an image of Him that was untrue and unknown to myself at the time, but fully accept Him as I know Him intimately now. My rejection was out of ignorance of the real Him and the lack of knowledge of His true character. Please learn from my mistakes. Don’t reject Him out of ignorance of who He really is or what another says of Him. Accept Him through the knowledge that you gain that only comes through an authentic intimate relationship with Him. This ignorant rejection is one that you’ll truly regret.
May He keep you until I see you again Sean. I miss you.
posted by lee at 5:31 PM
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