What Dreams May Come

I don't know what to make of dreams. Are they glimpses of the things that could have, should have, might have been or to be or just fleeting flights of fantasy fueled by the ecstasy of the unexpected. Whatever the perspective may depend on the type I suppose.


I had 1 the other night between the hours of 2 & 4:40am that left me cold & wet. I shuddered like a old mutt trying to dry his mangy hide, but to no avail. The only reason that I know, is that this could've been my reality once. One that would take me from the things that I cherish most in this realm & that are the only things I consider to be of worth.

Family.


Betrayal rode low in my gut as I paced the multi-colored tile floor. I glance at the clock while it's reading was meaningless to me, it represented all that is against me now. No longer an ally, it was just a matter of it that kept betrayal from riding ever higher to consume my heart, my soul, my all. Enlarging like a cancerous tumor to rob me of all that I ever loved and to take me from them.

Walking the floor to try and resonate with the pace of my now doomed existence. All the imagery lacked, but for some strange reason I just knew. I'd felt this before, even though I'd swore that I never would again, while the cold sweat beaded.

Back in the day is where it all began. An ideal of stewardship, ownership & complete abstinence fueled my problem and fed this nightmare. It was nothing for me to wake up wet from my own urine & stained from my own emesis. That last sentence hurts more now than it did then.


I know what you're thinking...

How does stewardship, ownership & abstinence play into this at all? What kind of lame excuse is up next? This guy is a complete moron.

Please humor me.

This isn't about shirking responsibility by laying it on my folks. They're great people & yes I am a complete moron. Sorry.


I never drank, save for 1 time, prior to college. But once I got there I guess that I thought that I should make up for lost time, because I drank as much & as often as I could. I felt more love at the TKE house than the BSU and even though that still isn't an excuse, I still contend that it's a damn shame.


I only had a couple of rules that really stuck out in those days, but they were a mantra that resounded in my head & still do these days.

1) Don't be wasteful...always get your money's worth.

2) Don't let anybody & I mean anybody drive your car.

3) Don't drink.

These aren't bad rules at all. Matter of fact they are very good rules, but as they became jumbled in my polluted freshman mind they kinda came out discombobulated to say the least. When I got through twisting them with my unlimited reasoning skills I came out with this...

Always get your money's worth, even at $3 beer bust nites @ Antoon's. You better drive afterwards regardless of the # of drinks or if you could see the road or not, because at the very least you don't want the folks to know that you broke rule #3. Besides, if nothing else you're still fulfilling 2 out of 3 right?

So I continue to pace awaiting what's next. For some reason I know the outcome even though the scenery doesn't change. 1 year in prison for vehicular manslaugher. DUI.


It takes an hour or 2 to realize that it was just a dream. I thank God that He had mercy on an idiot that should have known better, but didn't. I still regret those I failed while in this drunken desert.

I wonder & pray over my kids in the here & now. Are they better served by a complete model of biblical abstemious or am I to risk the abstention that failed me when the time came? They aren't guaranteed my dream that thankfully didn't come.