Fabulously Horrible

This post is predominantly going to allow me to whine a good deal & for you to be able to see what a wuss I am. I say this up front to save you some time if you'd rather forgo it. If you're into big burly wimps, read on, if not, do the appropriate, but at least know that you were warned!

I haven't posted in a week, so it's almost out of some sense of obligation that I do so now. I've been pretty hesitant to do so knowing the nature of this entry in comparison to the last, but after some thought I digress. Maybe it just goes to show how quickly the worm can turn.

The week wasn't a bad 1 at all, just busy & emotion laden. It was the kind of week that poses more questions than anything & I guess this is where my troubles begin. I can't stand not knowing.

My folks dropped in on Sunday to visit us for the week. This is a good thing & a bad thing for reasons totally unrelated to their physical presence. Monday the kids had school as usual & Cam's Red Sox lost to the Angel's in a game that they should have won. Tuesday went better as da' Sox whipped up on the Braves. Wednesday was another day of school & KOTH study that night. Thursday was Cam's graduation ceremony from pre-school & his last game vs. the Cards.

Besides the week being a busy 1, I guess that it was just the very epitome of my fears. A lot of great things happened, but all of those great things lead to other things that I'm not so sure about. The questions brought about by all-stars, kindergarten & God's will.

The end of this season brings on the opportunity for Cam to play all-stars. No big whoop hunh? Wrong.

I met w/the coaches after our game Thursday night & the talk turned to uniforms, fund raising, equipment & Birmingham. Amy thinks I'm nuts for even considering this. I can't help it. Maybe I am nuts. I try to keep telling myself that this is just t-ball & Cam's only 5, but it doesn't seem to help any. I've set myself up to work 2 wks straight (160hrs) just to give him the opportunity to play in the 'world series'. Crazy? Oh yeah, I'm helping coach too...


Cam's graduation was hard for me. I had it all together until the closing slide show & some sappy country song 'bout letting 'em be little or kids or something. I hate that damn song now more than you could ever know. I wept like I just got through seeing Where The Red Fern Grows for the 1st time. Stupid?

My folks make me question my life, walk & where I'm at w/God & what He has for me. I've lived here (7hrs away) for 10 years now & this 1 question burns within me now more than ever. Am I where God wants me to be? Am I doing what He wants me to do?

If I am, why do I die a little everytime I leave from spending time @ home w/family or when they leave from visiting me? Do I only seek the presumed safety of their company & convenience? Do I only long for the safe haven of the past where I made no prominent decisions & had no responsibility? Do I seek a good thing, no, a really great thing & would risk losing God's best to attain it?

All of this has made my week a fabulously horrible 1. I've tried to tell myself not to be such a wuss & work through these things, but my head has no control over my heart. I can't just will this to happen or not.

I wish that I could.